The fantastic
WendyB is in
marieclaire magazine, discussing the day she found out her business partner had died of complications from breast cancer - Wendy hadn't known she was ill.
For me, her death raised difficult questions: At the end of the day, what do any of us owe each other—in terms of honesty, intimacy, and disclosure—as friends, colleagues, neighbors? How could I have had an intimate working relationship with Caron and not have known something like this about her? It made me question my judgment, my powers of observation.
Still, I wondered: Why didn't she do right by me? I know that in the grand scheme of things, our little business project paled in comparison to the fact that she was facing death. But even so, if she felt her illness was too private to share, she could've simply provided the information that would keep our business going. It seemed odd to me that her work and her life were always so intertwined, yet so separate at the end. I couldn't wrap my mind around it.
I agree with WB that it is not OK to withhold business information from your partners, especially under circumstances like the ones she describes. Beyond that ...
When my mother, a double survivor, discovered that a woman she considered a close friend had kept the disease from her, she was angry. Why hadn't Carol told her, especially as she'd been through it herself? My mother was hurt that she considered a close enough friend to be in the loop, and that her help and support - and my parents are both extraordinary friends, particularly during difficult times - had not been asked for.
At the time, I told my mother that it wasn't about /her/, that people have a right to their privacy, and she should see what she could do now that she knew what was up. Not everyone is able to draw their friends and family around them and be vulnerable, to be strong enough to admit when they are out of control of a situation. One of the reasons I think my mother is so open about the health issues she has experienced over the years is that she had more than her share of losses in the first three decades of her life. There is no question for her whether or not she will survive, it is the only option. I think her experience somehow enables her to plan for the days leading up to and after a knee or hip replacement, because she is convinced she will not only survive, she will be fine.
Labels: ladies - all the ladies, random musings